Telling everyone what the hell is wrong and sometimes what is right.   Archives << current   This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.

I'm a Gryffindor! What the hell is wrong (and sometimes right)   2/03/2004   What is wrong in the world today? Well this really caught my eye: http://www.ntdaily.com/vnews/display.v/ART/2004/02/03/401f3ebb7558e I won't be doing any business there, ever. I cannot beleive this person thought it was ok to do this. Tuesday, February 03, 2004 2/02/2004   I've been waiting to post b/c I wanted to post about this new job that I'm going for. However I'm in limbo and realize that some people ( 1 or 2 at the most) might be waiting for me to write something. Last night was J. b-day. We went out to a Japanese's jazz club called Yoshi's. I'm not a big jazz fan but I've heard this guy McCoy Tiner a couple of times and I really sorta dig his stuff. The only bad part is that no one dances, and I hate listening to live music without being able to move my feet alittle bit. Instead the club is all chairs and stuff sorta like a small version of an LV show. As for what is wrong in the world today, last night a mother and daughter were clubbed to death while walking to work. They were really beautiful people (at least the photos of them were gorgeous). Why it happened, the police don't know yet. It was obviously a monstrous act of violence, planned, and apparently there were at least 3 people in the car with the killer. Pure evil. Whatever they had done or didn't do, it is hard to believe that these two deserved to be beaten to death. Apparently the screams of the women were heard all over the neighborhood, but no one came out to help. Monday, February 02, 2004 1/15/2004   Isn't it strange how people view themselves? I meet so many wonderful people in my life but rarely do they see themselves that way. I know that I do it myself, I feel foolish and stupid most of the time. Full of doubt and sometimes all I can see in myself is all the mistakes I have made. When I look at myself I just see damaged goods and a little crazyness in my eyes. Yet just the other day someone was telling them that I was the most confindent person they knew. I've often been discribed as a warrior and sometimes when I'm really good people have even said that I was wise. Yet I still hear the self distructive youth I was screaming in my head, I hardly realized how nilistic I truely was but now I reconize it for what it is. I don't know that either picture is who I really am, the one that others see or the one that I see. Perhaps in diffrent realities I am diffrent and since each person carries their own reality I am therefore a diffrent person for each indivual and yet still true to my own reality that I carry with me...... wait I'm getting confused but I think that made sense.. I'm very tired I've been recovering from a cold and I'm glad the weekend is here. My biggest question is do I get cat food today or tommorwo, right now tommorwo is winning. Peace out to all my best readers. Thursday, January 15, 2004 1/14/2004   Evil Today has been a full discussion of evil. I woke up this morning in distress. I had a dream about B. He was a very evil person who raped my friend and was a pedophilia as well. He wasn't always this way, I don't think. I'd like to believe that he wasn't. When I met him he seemed funny and had a certain charimsa that I found enticing. I always liked men with a sense of danger and brooding about them. I wish I could remember things in sequence but unfortunately I don't. I know there was a lot of drug use and alcohol and things began to get violent between us. He began to get out of control and I would try to stop using but he needed me to use so that I wouldn't see everything that was going on..... he needed me to believe he could be saved. Then I left him but we were still connected and he would threaten harm to others to get me to do things that he wanted. We became even more violent. There was blood between us. There was a child that was aborted between us. There was, I donno, something, evil, to many secrets, to many lies. We had a much bigger fight but before we could finish we were arrested. I often think if we could have finished that fight that maybe I could stop thinking about it. As it was our last words were exchanged over bail money and we never have seen each other again. But people still feel a need to tell me when they have seen or heard from him. I guess I still want to know. In my dream I saw him and I in a different place then we had ever been. It was theater, which in itself is not unusual as we spent a lot of time in the Rocky Horror picture show crowd. He was with a girl that looked a lot like me when I was younger. She was high and messed up. He looked at me thru the glass and I looked back at him. In that one instant I could see all the good and evil in him at once and I felt the same tearing at my soul that I felt a thousand times with him before. The desire to save him and all those that his evil could touch and the longing to talk to him again, the wanting to run away, call the police. I don't know it was a weird dream, it made me think again how much I wish I could have changed the instant that evil over came good. If I could have only said the right thing, but I'm not even sure when it happened, just that it did. Wednesday, January 14, 2004 1/05/2004   This was written some time ago but I think it is valid today. Waiting for America I'm waiting for America to happen. The Dream that I was sold in school. That somehow even tho' we are surround by corruption and torn apart by self-hate, that underneath we are hero's. That the corporations that can't give its bottom workers a living wage, will pull thru' during trouble times and give enough (despite their greed) to keep our country and people safe. That a media that is founded on cheap shots and drunk with power will dig down deep enough to tell us the truth.....and yet intelligence enough to keep its mouth shout on matters of national security. Millions of citizens, green card holders, non-citizens, and me, are holding our breath to see if good will win over evil. Most of us are not even sure what that will look like. Most of the time I just feel afraid for my country, for this world. I cannot imagine a way out of this trouble time. I cannot foresee, what good can come out of these wars, this economical disrest. I fear for everyone I know who is different, for every parent's child that is too bright, for everyone who cannot or will not conform. I think often of the Dutch who opposed Germany even while they were over run. I will plant red tulips this year, and maybe a few will remember and understand. Monday, January 05, 2004 1/04/2004   This was written some time ago but I think it is valid today. Waiting for America I'm waiting for America to happen. The Dream that I was sold in school. That somehow even tho' we are surround by corruption and torn apart by self-hate, that underneath we are hero's. That the corporations that can't give its bottom workers a living wage, will pull thru' during trouble times and give enough (despite their greed) to keep our country and people safe. That a media that is founded on cheap shots and drunk with power will dig down deep enough to tell us the truth.....and yet intelligence enough to keep its mouth shout on matters of national security. Millions of citizens, green card holders, non-citizens, and me, are holding our breath to see if good will win over evil. Most of us are not even sure what that will look like. Most of the time I just feel afraid for my country, for this world. I cannot imagine a way out of this trouble time. I cannot foresee, what good can come out of these wars, this economical disrest. I fear for everyone I know who is different, for every parent's child that is too bright, for everyone who cannot or will not conform. I think often of the Dutch who opposed Germany even while they were over run. I will plant red tulips this year, and maybe a few will remember and understand. Sunday, January 04, 2004 1/03/2004   Well, it is the new year. 2004 has decided to come on the wings of rain and wind. Which gave me plenty of time to reorganize my entire house. I still have piles of shit to go thru but most of the big furniture stuff is moved. I almost killed my new computer, but somehow over night it decide to right itself (how does that happen??). I'm feeling very sore today, but for once it is a good hurt all muscle in the arms and the legs. The NYE night went very well. I dressed in a very nice black dress with a red coat, and when J. Walked in the door to see me he just stopped and said "wow". He hasn't said wow like that to me in years. It was nice. Everyone thought I looked nice, which is weird in the hippy crowd. I never quite know what to think of that, if they would just shower, then most of them would look better then me..... not that I care if they shower (although the smell was quiet pungent this year) but they always seem like they don't know that they can look good. The girls especially seem to have a lack of self-esteem, which just makes me want to pick up every single one of them and give them a shower and new cloths. However I know from past experiences that they don't want that, they're on some other journey that I can't reach. The only thing that really makes me angry about it all, is the children. I HATE I mean really really HATE, seeing the little kids here. Now most of you are probably saying but hippies don't make bad parents, and I will tell you that your right good hippies don't make bad parents, the hippies that bring their kids to the shows make bad parents. Why? you ask.... It's like this, they bring their kids into a show where there is a ton of drug use, all over the place, then these parents get high and they don't watch their kids. I've seen desperate parents searching huge crowds for a wandering toddler, I've seen sick (high fever and a cough) babies in concerts that last until 3:00am, I've seen 10 yr. olds, escorting their drunk parents to the bathrooms. It is disgusting. I've watched people shooting up, with an infant in their arms and then breastfeeding. I've told J. under no circumstances would a child under our care go until they were teenagers and even then they would have stick close to us. I know, I know, I would never let a child in my care have the same freedoms that my friends and I did. Too bad to. Of course they have a choice get out of H.S. early and into a top university and I'll consider them a grown-up (maybe). HA it's a good thing we're going to be leaving the parenting stuff up to our friends that are better qualified as we would so stink as parents. Saturday, January 03, 2004   Well, it is the new year. 2004 has decided to come on the wings of rain and wind. Which gave me plenty of time to reorganize my entire house. I still have piles of shit to go thru but most of the big furniture stuff is moved. I almost killed my new computer, but somehow over night it decide to right itself (how does that happen??). I'm feeling very sore today, but for once it is a good hurt all muscle in the arms and the legs. The NYE night went very well. I dressed in a very nice black dress with a red coat, and when J. Walked in the door to see me he just stopped and said "wow". He hasn't said wow like that to me in years. It was nice. Everyone thought I looked nice, which is weird in the hippy crowd. I never quite know what to think of that, if they would just shower, then most of them would look better then me..... not that I care if they shower (although the smell was quiet pungent this year) but they always seem like they don't know that they can look good. The girls especially seem to have a lack of self-esteem, which just makes me want to pick up every single one of them and give them a shower and new cloths. However I know from past experiences that they don't want that, they'er on some other journey that I can't reach. The only thing that really makes me angry about it all, is the children. I HATE I mean really really HATE, seeing the little kids here. Now most of you are probably saying but hippies don't make bad parents, and I will tell you that your right good hippies don't make bad parents, the hippies that bring their kids to the shows make bad parents. Why? you ask.... It's like this, they bring their kids into a show where there is a ton of drug use, all over the place, then these parents get high and they don't watch their kids. I've seen desperate parents searching huge crowds for a wandering toddler, I've seen sick (high fever and a cough) babies in concerts that last until 3:00am, I've seen 10 yr. olds, escorting their drunk parents to the bathrooms. It is disgusting. I've watched people shooting up, with an infant in their arms and then breastfeeding. I've told J. under no circumstances would a child under our care go until they were teenagers and even then they would have stick close to us. I know, I know, I would never let a child in my care have the same freedoms that my friends and I did. Too bad to. Of course they have a choice get out of H.S. early and into a top university and I'll consider them a grown-up (maybe). HA it's a good thing we're going to be leaving the parenting stuff up to our friends that are better qualified as we would so stink as parents. Saturday, January 03, 2004   Well, it is the new year. 2004 has decided to come on the wings of rain and wind. Which gave me plenty of time to reorganize my entire house. I still have piles of shit to go thru but most of the big furniture stuff is moved. I almost killed my new computer, but somehow over night it decide to right itself (how does that happen??). I'm feeling very sore today, but for once it is a good hurt all muscle in the arms and the legs. The NYE night went very well. I dressed in a very nice black dress with a red coat, and when J. Walked in the door to see me he just stopped and said "wow". He hasn't said wow like that to me in years. It was nice. Everyone thought I looked nice, which is weird in the hippy crowd. I never quite know what to think of that, if they would just shower, then most of them would look better then me..... not that I care if they shower (although the smell was quiet pungent this year) but they always seem like they don't know that they can look good. The girls especially seem to have a lack of self-esteem, which just makes me want to pick up every single one of them and give them a shower and new cloths. However I know from past experiences that they don't want that, their on some other journey that I can't reach. The only thing that really makes me angry about it all, is the children. I HATE I mean really really HATE, seeing the little kids here. Now most of you are probably saying but hippies don't make bad parents, and I will tell you that your right good hippies don't make bad parents, the hippies that bring their kids to the shows make bad parents. Why? you ask.... It's like this, they bring their kids into a show where there is a ton of drug use, all over the place, then these parents get high and they don't watch their kids. I've seen desperate parents searching huge crowds for a wandering toddler, I've seen sick (high fever and a cough) babies in concerts that last until 3:00am, I've seen 10 yr. olds, escorting their drunk parents to the bathrooms. It is disgusting. I've watched people shooting up, with an infant in their arms and then breastfeeding. I've told J. under no circumstances would a child under our care go until they were teenagers and even then they would have stick close to us. I know, I know, I would never let a child in my care have the same freedoms that my friends and I did. Too bad to. Of course they have a choice get out of H.S. early and into a top university and I'll consider them a grown-up (maybe). HA it's a good thing we're going to be leaving the parenting stuff up to our friends that are better qualified as we would so stink as parents. Saturday, January 03, 2004