Telling everyone what the hell is wrong and sometimes what is right.   Archives << current   This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.

I'm a Gryffindor! What the hell is wrong (and sometimes right)   4/17/2003   I've lost almost 30lbs. One would think I would be happy about this. But I'm not. My life has become all about what to eat and what not to eat. My level of panic and fear has risen. I sometimes feel like I can't handle the most simple task and I break so easy. Shattering/fragmenting behind my smile. Sometimes I want to scream.....but I don't I just hold on, and on and on. I know it will get better, but when will the damn spring get to the bay area? I need to see the sun. I'm so tired, and sometimes the darkness seems so thick I might as well be blind. I know if I can just hang on after the surgery I won't want to eat anymore and this burden will be lifted, I won't feel deprived or this overwelming jelously and hate when I see everyone enjoying food that I can't have. I think that is part of my problem is that I always feel with all of my heart so if it is a negitive emotion it just takes over and I become filled with it until it is overwelming. And of course you can say you won't feel that way anymore, but you feel what you feel, you are what you are. Home, isn't that a nice thing to think about? I've met a lot of people who are able to make a home out of any house that they reside in. I'm not so fortunate. I must wonder if it has something with how many homes I've been in and out of tell I don't have any identy to claim and therefore I struggle to find things that comfort me. Yes, I defently need to id. things that can bring comfort that are not food. Like a special blanket, which I don't really have, or a teddy bear, somethings that I can add to my house to make it more like a home so that when I'm there I feel more comforted. Well I feel better and I have to go back to work. Thursday, April 17, 2003