Telling everyone what the hell is wrong and sometimes what is right.   Archives << current   This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.

I'm a Gryffindor! What the hell is wrong (and sometimes right)   10/25/2003   So I've pondered with many of my friends. What is honor to your country? Take the worst case senrio of Germany as the Thrid Riech comes to power. Which is more honorable.... to stay in your country and fight from with in to the best of your abilty, knowing that if your caught or suspected that it will be called treason and you and your family may be killed. Or to leave, or try to leave. At what point do you make that desion to be activly against your own goverment? How bad does your goverment have to be for you to think that civil war is better then statis quo? I'm not sure. I do know how bad I felt about 9/11 and that I would never, ever want to be part of something that did that to people. But appranently there are many americans that are afraid of what our goverment is taking away in order to make sure that 9/11 doesn't happen again. It reminds me alittle of the McCarther era, a threat has been identified and people are being harmed in the name of that threat.....There however was no mass excodise of people fleeing the USA in that period. In fact the biggest immgration out of the US was during the Vietnam area when people decide they didn't want to go to war. I have not heard that they were instituting any draft at this time and even if they were it would no longer affect my own family (we are all too old.) I guess I'm just rambling a bit here b/c it isn't straight in my head what I think we should do or what needs to be done. Saturday, October 25, 2003   Stretch my wings in morning light Brushing up against the measured glassed To see what time has brought Every age siezes the hour 'tell my crippled hands break War inside my skin To flee the waiting for heaven sent Taste of glory in every breath Still brings me no peace of mind Hold me close while I shake the last dose Into my beating heart Where are these angles? For fools they should come Prayers have never sufficed Clawing at porcline G-ds Laying my head to pink holy tiles Cool breeze comes with wispers of songs That bear no memeory Reaching from behind Love trys to break in Thru' locks of tears and blood G-d if I've deined you one to many times Let your hell have me Protect this home from my lost grasp Take care of where I might fall Keep your angles for those I've left behind Let all I've taken return Saturday, October 25, 2003 10/23/2003   I would love you forever Your steel eyes caught in a gray sky My arms raised Defence against your hate Blood of my life Pouring down in gray skys Still I would love you forever Preaching by the over flowing river Homes torn apart Fleeing words blacken and bitter Saving every soul While grace leaves on the river Loving you for ever I walk away Loving you Thursday, October 23, 2003   The new Gateway drug I forgave him when he cheated on me The first time I forgave him when he hit me The first time I forgave him for the STD The first time I forgave him for the spent the rent money The first time I forgave him for the gun in my face I forgave him for the cigarette burns I forgave him for AIDS test I forgave him for the hospital bills I forgave him for EVERYTHING The first time..... Thursday, October 23, 2003 10/19/2003   It's nice living with your own music teacher. You learn so much faster when you can ask all the questions you want to and they are right there to answer them. I'm finding that I like playing music. I use to not, but now it the only place I can go where I don't have to explain myself to anyone. I've become so sick of answering everyones questions about how I feel and how much I've lost and was it worth it. It almost brings me to tears but when I'm playing I don't have to hear anyones questions I don't have to THINK about how much I still hurt and how much has gone wrong and how much I've fuck up in doing this to myself. I just have to think about the next note I'm playing and how to hold my hands, it is such a relief. Such a peace to have a few moments of not being afraid. I keep thinking about Johnny Cash's verision of Nine inch nails, sure at first it just made me laugh, but now when I think about his singing that song it was a real peice of art. The voice was old, but clear, and the song, well it meant more from someone at the end of life then from an angry young soul. So when I start thinking of why the hell am I putting my hands thru' this I just think about Johnny Cash, at 70 something he wasn't done creating art in music, that song was played everywhere young and old people heard it. I will may never ever understand why I'm here, why I didn't die in May, I thought I was ready to go, I made peace with myself and the unvirse, and I've been struggling to learn to live again, apparently the unvierse isn't done with me. Sunday, October 19, 2003