Telling everyone what the hell is wrong and sometimes what is right.   Archives << current   This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.

I'm a Gryffindor! What the hell is wrong (and sometimes right)   11/22/2003   Some times you do write the right words and all the voices in your head go silent for a few minutes. So here is the new song, written in Dm, C, Dm, G for those of you who knows what that means and care. Paper Thin It runs thru' my veins Like Lighten' and sin Starving my soul I become paper thin My tired feet walk But I never stand I'm broken and twisted I never give in I'm the bitter wind that comes from the north Seeking summer in winters forest Time for it to come again Breaking thru' my listless skin The words I speak never start And tho' I close my eyes Sleep doesn't come until sunrise I know you can't hear me 'til you leave I just can't let go until you see I'm the bitter wind that comes from the north Seeking summer in winters forest It runs thru' my veins Like lighten' and sin Starving my soul I become paper thin Just so paper thin I don't know where to begin When I'm paper thin Saturday, November 22, 2003 11/19/2003   I have an aquatance. Someone who perhaps doesn't even remember me. But I've met her at strange times in my life and she has always been so insightful that even in my drug hazed pain she comforted me in ways that probably kept me alive. Now she is good friends with another friend of mine and I have been reading her Blog. She comes from the same neighborhood as me, but we lived very different lives. In some ways she had a much better life, although I think we might argue that point :). Recently tho' she has been talking about some things that have rebrought up my past. Things that hurt like hell. Reading her, has been like someone putting vise on my head and I can't, I can't stop. I read her voraciously. It is very compelling and some of the sites she sends me to are the most interesting most insightful most painful stuff. I don't know what to do with what I'm feeling. I'm already a neg. Magnet, I don't choose that I just do it unless I'm very careful about not doing it. It's kinda like breathing for me. I've done many things to try and not taking on and magnify others neg. but it's hard. It just takes one person who is somewhat empathitic and that's it. Then I have to set walls and boudries and all sorta stuff so that I can deal with someone else's crap. Heck I even have had other peoples bad dreams. But what I can't do is handle my own stuff. I'm serious. I can't deal with it when it is inside me. There lives a monster in there, that's why. And don't get all Freudian on me. It is not some physiological monster that once I talk about it somehow it will just go away, it won't I've done that, it doesn't go away, it doesn't go anywhere. I took it in, I invited it into my soul so that I could survive and it is here and it going to stay here, and it isn't going to leave, ever. Crap I hate blogging some days I get way to into it and then I feel like I have to publish just to stay honest with myself. Wednesday, November 19, 2003   There is a hammer in my head Bashing against the broken bell Swallowed nails brushing against my thin skin Tell I bled fouatains of blood that no one can see Fisiting broken glass Never crying out Anger does demands its price And mercy never pays in full Wednesday, November 19, 2003 11/16/2003   *****Warning This is a G-d Rant rated WGF****** This post is about G-d if you think I care about your opinion I don't. So I've been watching that Joan of Arcadia show. It's pretty decent for a Xtian show. Slightly better then 7th Heaven or Touch by some strange person. I started watching it because J wanted to see how the lead girl was doing as we had seen her when she played Emily on GH. She's pretty decent too. SO why am I talking about this show? Well the premise of it really gives me the willies. See I've know people who have schizophrenia and other mental disorders, and yes they act pretty much like Joan when they are having a good day w/o their medication. They really do hear G-d in what everyone says, the T.V, the radio. So the whole premise just grates on my every last nerve because it is too real in all the wrong ways. The other way that it disturbs me is that it makes G-d out to be some benevolent being, which I just don't buy. There are a lot of things I could and sorta do buy about G-d, but as a nosy busy body I've seen no signs of. If G-d was around taking care of things then there just wouldn't be so much pain in this world. It isn't like there aren't enough good people around trying to good. Oh no there are lots of good people who just don't know how to help. And good people are everywhere, all over the world. Yet suffering persist. Unfairness, injustice, horrible horrible atrocities. No, if G-d where around there would be less evil, at least the innocents would be protected in some way. Crack would make men and women infertile, DFS would actually be able to stop children from being abused or starving in basements, Children wouldn't be able to find their parents guns...... the list could go on and on and that is just here in the USA don't even get me started in some of the other countries where things are worse. I'm pretty sure there is a higher power, and I'm pretty sure there is a thing called destiny, and while I don't discount people hearing the voice of a higher power I'm pretty sure we don't get to have causal two way conversations. Sunday, November 16, 2003