Telling everyone what the hell is wrong and sometimes what is right.   Archives << current   This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.

I'm a Gryffindor! What the hell is wrong (and sometimes right)   1/15/2004   Isn't it strange how people view themselves? I meet so many wonderful people in my life but rarely do they see themselves that way. I know that I do it myself, I feel foolish and stupid most of the time. Full of doubt and sometimes all I can see in myself is all the mistakes I have made. When I look at myself I just see damaged goods and a little crazyness in my eyes. Yet just the other day someone was telling them that I was the most confindent person they knew. I've often been discribed as a warrior and sometimes when I'm really good people have even said that I was wise. Yet I still hear the self distructive youth I was screaming in my head, I hardly realized how nilistic I truely was but now I reconize it for what it is. I don't know that either picture is who I really am, the one that others see or the one that I see. Perhaps in diffrent realities I am diffrent and since each person carries their own reality I am therefore a diffrent person for each indivual and yet still true to my own reality that I carry with me...... wait I'm getting confused but I think that made sense.. I'm very tired I've been recovering from a cold and I'm glad the weekend is here. My biggest question is do I get cat food today or tommorwo, right now tommorwo is winning. Peace out to all my best readers. Thursday, January 15, 2004 1/14/2004   Evil Today has been a full discussion of evil. I woke up this morning in distress. I had a dream about B. He was a very evil person who raped my friend and was a pedophilia as well. He wasn't always this way, I don't think. I'd like to believe that he wasn't. When I met him he seemed funny and had a certain charimsa that I found enticing. I always liked men with a sense of danger and brooding about them. I wish I could remember things in sequence but unfortunately I don't. I know there was a lot of drug use and alcohol and things began to get violent between us. He began to get out of control and I would try to stop using but he needed me to use so that I wouldn't see everything that was going on..... he needed me to believe he could be saved. Then I left him but we were still connected and he would threaten harm to others to get me to do things that he wanted. We became even more violent. There was blood between us. There was a child that was aborted between us. There was, I donno, something, evil, to many secrets, to many lies. We had a much bigger fight but before we could finish we were arrested. I often think if we could have finished that fight that maybe I could stop thinking about it. As it was our last words were exchanged over bail money and we never have seen each other again. But people still feel a need to tell me when they have seen or heard from him. I guess I still want to know. In my dream I saw him and I in a different place then we had ever been. It was theater, which in itself is not unusual as we spent a lot of time in the Rocky Horror picture show crowd. He was with a girl that looked a lot like me when I was younger. She was high and messed up. He looked at me thru the glass and I looked back at him. In that one instant I could see all the good and evil in him at once and I felt the same tearing at my soul that I felt a thousand times with him before. The desire to save him and all those that his evil could touch and the longing to talk to him again, the wanting to run away, call the police. I don't know it was a weird dream, it made me think again how much I wish I could have changed the instant that evil over came good. If I could have only said the right thing, but I'm not even sure when it happened, just that it did. Wednesday, January 14, 2004