Telling everyone what the hell is wrong and sometimes what is right.   Archives << current   This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.

I'm a Gryffindor! What the hell is wrong (and sometimes right)   5/07/2003   It's getting closer to my surgery date. May 21st. I'm so scared. I don't want to die right now. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter; if I was meant to die that day I could just as easily be in a car driving. Death IMHO is fate and there is nothing you can do to stop it. I guess it is the out of controlness of it. When I help out in surgeries here, I get to make sure everything is sterile and give the good after care that recover requires but now I have none of that control. I can't make sure someone washed their hands or sterilized their equipment or anything. And it is driving me nuts. Some people I know don't want to talk to anyone about their surgery, but me, it's like I'm trying to get rid of the stress of holding in the emotions by letting everyone know, and in a way it is no better then keeping it all in. I wish I had one friend here beside J. I'm busy writing all the new Fairy Tales I meant to write sometime in my life... I just don't want to leave anything undone, unsaid, but of course I will, there is too much to fill. Wish I could talk to my old friends but they are all going thru their own tragedies so I just have my blog. I hope they all know how much I love them... I keep thinking of David Bowie's song about the planet dieing and how at that minute it was possible to love all the people even if you didn't know them, I guess that is how I feel right now. It is worse then being drunk and tell everyone you love them...I mean it. That so sucks, I'm so not good at love, I never show it in the right way. Only J was ever able to see what I really about and funny enough he is unable to express what he sees in words only that haunting music, I think I will always hear it. Must get to work while I can work. Wednesday, May 07, 2003