What the hell is wrong (and sometimes right)

Telling everyone what the hell is wrong and sometimes what is right.

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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.

8/12/2003
I hurt today. I'm late getting to work.

I use to be a warrior. I had this kind of chaotic engery that I could always draw on. This certian type of anger, certianty of rightness, that lay right beneath the surface of my civilty. Now the warrior has fled in disgust of my weakness. There is nothing there. Sometimes I wonder how I will draw the next breath and the next one after that. I know I have to find the stregth somewhere, my family needs me. I cannot fail them. Can loyalty, honor, and love give me the same endrance? It doesn't feel like it. I would tell the doctors how I'm feeling but they would just weaken me more with their drugs and stupid platos, telling me that I will feel better soon, and how grateful I should be. FUCK that. FUCK them. Their drugs do make me feel better, but they have a price tag attach, and you pay it wether you want to or not. Sometimes I'm almost willing to pay..... Sometimes I just want to give up, I've even thought that the next hospital visit I might just refuse medical treatment and just let go no matter how painful it is. But I can't do that to J.
Tuesday, August 12, 2003

8/11/2003
I'm back. After what has been the worst summer of my entire life I'm back. Still weak, still sick, still not sure that I want to hold on to this life. I know, I should be grateful, I'm alive right? But my life force is very pale right now, the engery that was me, is only a shadow. Still some how I'm expected to presever. I want to not let everyone down, I do love them. Still I feel hate for them holding me here, nothing in this world seems to be real anymore. I'm so sad, I want to feel good again, but it seems so far beyound my grasp. 2 1/2 months, how do really sick people do it? How do cancer patiants live thru' the hell that is their life? Some how I will get stronger and more able to do this.
Monday, August 11, 2003