Telling everyone what the hell is wrong and sometimes what is right.   Archives << current   This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.

I'm a Gryffindor! What the hell is wrong (and sometimes right)   9/20/2003   We went to a Dead concert last night at the Shorline Ampatheater. It was fun, but I found that the music was very sad this time around. Usually the Dead people play very upbeat musically while the subject matter can be very sad, but I think by adding Joan (what's her name) the music it self was affect and came out very melloncaliy (I really can't spell). It was a cold night and as usual I hadn't dressed for it, so I spent part of the concert trying to get and stay warm. On another note. I've been contumplating my mascostic side. I haven't acted on it for years and years now. I suspect that most people would think it has just disappered, but as with all mental illnesses (yes I do know it isn't a normal thing) there is no cure only remission. I can look over my life and see the terriblness of my self-destruction, the obesesion, to hurt. The worse part is I can still feel it, laying here in my dark heart, for every evil I've comminted (really or imagined), for every humilation I've had, for everything I did to surive, the need to somehow destroy myself. I guess I get to thinking this b/c I wonder how much of this operation I had was really acting upon those instinct. Am I trying to save myself, or am I trying to well destroy what I've become. If it is self-destruction, then what have I become that I hate enough to do this? If it's not, then why am I questioning what it is? Aggg the freaking circles of logic in my own head! Is there more then one truth or is truth unveresal unescaple the same forever? Does future motives change the past actions? I'm beating my head upon shores of phiophy defenantly self-destructive. Saturday, September 20, 2003 9/16/2003   J. and I have been trying to reconcile our new life with our old life. Both of us come from places where we had to live hand to mouth. There were times in both of our lives were there wasn't enough food, heat, or shelter. We have both lived in places where we were vunrable to people who were stronger or had more power then we did. But that isn't the case any more. We have this kinda middle class life. There is always food in the fridge, a little bit of money in the bank, there is always a bed to sleep on. It has been that way for years now. But the past creeps in under the curtians. J. hoards food, I mean he has to have a 2 month supply of food or he just freaks, and me, I can't stand to owe anyone money heck I become more and more miserly as I get older. I still flinch when people raise their voices and tend to totally lose it when feel threaten, J. withdraws like suddenly this big man becomes smaller and smaller. I wonder if you can ever let go of the things that help you survive when you were young. I think the weridest thing of all was that when I was young, most of my friends saw my complete lack of supervision to be a wonderful freedom, I just hope by now they relize what a price that freedom comes at. On another note I wrote something for Blog on 9/11 but it wouldn't let me post for some reason, yet it posted 9/10 stuff 3 times. Go figure. So here is what I wrote for 9/11: It's days like today that I just feel to sad to go on. I should have never watched the news this morning. I want to think of this day like all days but it's not. When we have to explain to our children why things are the way that they are, we will point to 9/11 and say "This day everything changed". Not for the better, not for good. On this day darkness won, it took something and gave it back broken and unfixable. I think if I live to be 100 I will still hate this day. Tuesday, September 16, 2003