What the hell is wrong (and sometimes right)

Telling everyone what the hell is wrong and sometimes what is right.

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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.

11/15/2003
I wish I was one of those people who knew all the right things to say. The words that would bring comfort and ease peoples burdens. Unfortunately I was never built with that kind of intuitiveness. My words are ones of pain and anger, and sometimes that can be used for good, to cause action, to remind people why, or to play devils advocate. I guess it is because I know there are no right words, there is nothing that words can do against the enormanty of death and lose of love. Yet there must be, I know I've felt comforted by some people, at sometimes, but the people doing the comforting said real words, words that were meant for me, to me, and I can't just repeat those words to others because then those words would mean less. I try to say nothing, hoping that the quiet will convey the comfort that is meant, the love that is truly being sent. Still I know that it disturbs J a great deal, how much I can say but when someone dies, or when people are in need I say so little. J, who isn't good at saying anything most of the time, is one of the few people I know that can say the right thing to people who are grieving and crazy people. I know it seems like a wired combination but the man has a knack for telling the "right" type of truth during times when people are going thru' things. It's kinda like watching one of those people who can talk wild animals into letting them touch them. He just looks these people in the eye and it sounds like it is coming straight out of G-ds mouth. Which once you get J home he has no idea that he sounded like that or that people were so strongly affected in that way. It sorta reminds me of another good friend of mine who had everyone convinced that she was "all that" and some, but inside she was just like everyone else, scared of the same things hurt by the same things.
Saturday, November 15, 2003

11/12/2003
Silence like a cancer grows
-Paul Simon
All my words come back to me in shades of mediocrity
-Paul Simon

As if you can't tell that I went to Vegas this past weekend to see the Simon and Garafunkel show! It was great fun and very expensive. We won nothing, but we walked and talked and had "fun". It was good.

But in the middle of the show, I had an overwhelming feeling that I'm still not doing what I'm suppose to be doing. I often feel like the Queen in Alice and Wonderland thinking of 7 impossible things before breakfast. Only it is more like 7 impossible things a month and never knowing how to implement my idea's. I'm trying to be patience. I beginning to comprehend the word "faith", I'm trying desperately to have "faith" that the experiences that I'm going thru' are for a purpose. I list all the things I've been learning in my head and I try and think about the last 7 impossible things that I thought of and how those skills might somehow apply to those impossible things. It's like looking for a ledge on the side of a cliff that your trying to climb. My biggest thing is money, the second big thing is time, and the third is energy. I thought the other day, if I took everything out how much money could I raise in 24 hrs. it came out to about 11,000$ which isn't a whole lot, but I was thinking how much does it take to get one person out of hell. One person off the streets, food to eat, what does it take to give one person a chance at something better then what they have? All of the 11,000$? Does it take only 100$? It drives me up a wall to be here in this work place when I need to be out there doing something else, getting people who want a chance (not everyone does) a way out. I know that you have to make the opportunities to do right, they don't just come out and say here do the right thing (if they do then it's usually just a scam) but I have to weigh my desire with my responsibilities, and that my friends is a big problem.

Wednesday, November 12, 2003